i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
