burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize