Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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