Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
