1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The adults are the big ones right?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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