new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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