I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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