If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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