when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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