I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
