I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
