i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
