Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
