I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I CAN MOONWALK!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
