I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
