pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
sex in a hospital.. check
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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