I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
