i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
