At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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