how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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