This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Randomize
