i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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