i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
