She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
