I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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