She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
