I have demons in me.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
love makes seman taste better
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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