Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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