i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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