I like my sex mixed with concussions.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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