He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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