she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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