you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
