Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
