Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
