so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
