Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
