I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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