Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Randomize