imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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