last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize