my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
