on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
