i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize