Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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