I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
