I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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