I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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