Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
