i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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