So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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