thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
