I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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