my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
