i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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