I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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