I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
