Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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