I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
