I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
