how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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