After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
