You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
